I rarely write posts like this these days, I’m not sure why. As therapeutic as writing can be, I am a very private person and tend to keep things to myself. That’s probably not the right thing to do as we really should all talk more, be open about our feelings and not bottle things up. Especially when it comes to mental health. So here goes…
Over the past few months I’ve really been struggling. There’s been anxiety and depression, and there still is. And although I’m working on it and feel like things are slowly improving, I am still feeling very lost.
I think what it comes down to is that I feel like I’ve entered a new chapter of my life, both kids are now at school and I’m no longer just mum all of the time. I don’t know what to do with myself and truth be told, I am incredibly lonely. For years and years there’s always been something happening; moving house, having Max, getting married, having Evie, the kids starting preschool and then school, starting my blog, getting a puppy etc. But now, I feel like we’ve done it all and it’s just me sat at home on my own with my laptop most of the time.
At first it was a novelty, having all of this child free time. But now it’s just lonely and I feel like I don’t have a purpose anymore. When the kids were small I saw people all the time, we’d visit family, go to toddler groups, meet up with mum friends for play dates. But once the kids started school that all seemed to stop.
My blog and Instagram are my job, it’s how I make my money and it’s what I would like to continue with but working from home is so isolating and it’s something that nobody ever talks about. Most people see working from home as the dream and yes it can be brilliant. I am very lucky that my work is flexible and I can be there to take the kids to school and pick them up at the end of the day. I am very grateful that I get to do that, I really am. But I need more. This little blog of mine is no longer enough for me, I need to be around people, I want to get to know new people, to chat about what we watched on TV last night, I need a new challenge. And most of all, I want to look forward to coming back home again.
I’ve been looking at different options to get me out of the house for a couple of days a week, then for the rest of the week I can still work on my blog and hopefully feel happier and more motivated. I’ve looked at doing a course but all of the adult learning courses I’ve seen are in the evenings which sort of defeats the point for me. I’m looking at volunteering and also at paid work but it’s tricky to find something that is going to be both fulfilling and is the right hours for me.
I just hope that by finally acknowledging how I’m feeling and what’s missing, I can start to feel happier again. I have actually applied for a job this week, it’s literally my dream job but I’m not going to get my hopes up too much. It’s a job that I don’t have much experience in so we’ll see what happens with that, but please do cross your fingers for me!
Have you felt like this before? How did you pull yourself out of the rut? Did you go back to work? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you for reading.